Monsters
May0
I went to see Monsters at the Arcola Theatre tonight. It’s a theatre production looking at the James Boulger (not Jamie - no-one called him that except the press) case.
It’d be a stretch to say that I enjoyed it, but it was certainly moving and raised far more questions that it answered. I’ve read some of the transcripts of the case, because I read a book by that dickhead Paul Britton (he was responsible for Colin Stagg being charged with Rachel Nickell’s murder) and he was involved in advising the police before the interrogations (Paul Britton, not Colin Stagg. BUT IT WOULD HAVE BEEN FUNNY IF HE HAD BEEN - I’m trying that out as a catchphrase). I found myself on the verge of tears at one point, where the policeman gets John Venables to admit what he did to James (not Jamie) Boulger.
I was wondering why that was, I’m normally much more stoic and not given to showing any kind of emotion - but it reminded me of what someone said to me recently. Basically, having started doing standup, I think in order to write this stuff you have to bare your soul and actually connect with your emotions somewhat. The difficulty is, of course, is that emotions aren’t a tap that you can turn on or off at will. Or, of course, you could just do some hillarious observational stuff about how men leave the toilet seat up and this annoys women, and that’s the funniest thing that there has ever been, ever.
You’re an idiot and I’m a coward
May0
I’ve got a gig on thursday in Wimbledon Park. It’s for a parent teachers assocation & we’ve been advised to avoid the paedo gags. My new material is kind of dependent on paedophilia, especially the payoff line.
Now, I could go and write some new, non-offensive material, but part of me wants to just do it because I’ve been advised not to. As I have semi-jokingly said to people, part of the attraction of this is getting on stage and saying things that would get me arrested or beaten up in other circumstances. Plus, I’ve thought of a brilliant justification and another couple of gags about the fact that I’m mentioning this.
I’d love to say that all of this was about my pushing boundaries for some deeper meaning, but quite frankly I just like taking the piss.
(post title is from a brilliant Robin Ince piece - check it out).
Stockwell in depth review
May0
Slightly more in depth review in the cold light of day.
Turned up at about quarter to six, there were already 2 comics waiting for the doors to open, including Swiss Bianca (possibly a joke there - sounds a bit like Swiss Banker - maybe not) from Sunday’s gig but that was okay. Got chatting to them and was dispensing my intimate knowledge of the wonderful world of comedy.
Then a mob of about 6 people turned up, walked straight past us and into the pub garden (which was unlocked by this point) - it was a bit tense as there are only 5 open slots so we were a bit annoyed if they were going to push in front and all go on the bill. It degenerated into a sort of west-side story standoff with gangs of roving comedians facing off against one another, armed with rapier wits, less-than-lethal litotes and irony bars.
Not really - BUT IT WOULD HAVE BEEN FUNNY IF IT HAD!
As it turned out, only one of them was a comic anyway so it worked out fine. Got my name on the bill okay, then decided to go and get some chips as I don’t really like the food at the cavendish - I drink enough beer there that I don’t feel bad about not eating the food. I went down the road with Tom (fellow comic I’d just met) and his friend and we went to a fishbar. As we were sat there, eating chips (riveting this, isn’t it), a couple started having a domestic right next to us.
“LEAVE IT” said a rather bad tempered man
“I CAN’T F**KING LEAVE IT” said his equally unhappy partner (I’m assuming it was his partner, I didn’t feel it was appropriate to interrupt their conversation in order to ascertain their exact relationship status)
“TAKE YOUR HANDS OFF MY F**KING FOOD” the man shouted
And I wondered who he was talking to - was it perhaps the fish & chip seller, which would seem to be a bit harsh, given that preparation of food does generally involve touching it - plus of course, I don’t believe he had actually paid at that point so technically it wasn’t yet his food. And I started thinking I should write this stuff down, as it’s probably the kind of thing that comedians can make a joke out of. But I decided not to, because I didn’t want to get stabbed. Someone had been stabbed just down this road the week before, so that’s not a baseless fear - although that stabbing did allow me to make a joke at the expense of david the promoter (comedians - turning tragedy into showbiz opportunity).
Anyway, my interest obviously registered with this man because he turned to us and shouted
“DON’T YOU F**KING LISTEN TO THIS”
I replied
“Well, if you’d just be slightly quieter, I might actually be able to do that”
I didn’t really, of course, because of the already aforementioned aichmophobia.
Anyway, we headed back to the pub to prepare for the night. Phil & Stevie G were both booked, but as neither of them had brought a friend, they thought it was best if one of them didn’t do it, rather than try and scab friends from someone else and possibly earn the ire of David the promoter (who is, despite my bad taste cheap jab at him, a really lovely guy).
Stevie G was on first and delivered the kind of professional, tight set I’ve come to expect from him. I felt bad in some ways because he probably didn’t get as good a reaction as he might have if he’d been on later - on the other hand he should probably take it as a compliment that he was felt to be strong enough to open.
There was one guy I felt really bad for - he got on the stage, really nervous, pissed around with the mike stand for about a minute before picking the mike up and putting it back in the stand, took out a folder and held it in front of his head before reading stuff out aloud. All of this was getting a lot of laughs, by the way. However about a minute in he just said he couldn’t do it anymore and walked off. I thought it was a real shame and I wondered why he walked off when he was getting big laughs, maybe the audience weren’t laughing at what he was expecting, but they were laughing. I don’t think you can take yourself too seriously in this business. As Logan Murray says, you’re a clown, you’re playing the fool - and if by doing so you get to say some interesting and provocative stuff (like say Mark Thomas or Jeremy Hardy do), so much the better. Without the laughter, you can’t say anything (or you can, but people won’t listen).
Anyway, I went on, had at least 10 seconds laughter without even saying a word (I know, I just look funny) - actually it was the incredibly offensive t-shirt I’d bought in thailand and then launched into my set. Managed to forget a few of the things I wanted to say, but I think I was over time anyway so it’s probably for the best. I was pushing it a bit with the stabbing joke anyway. Good audience reaction, although not good enough to be bought a drink, not that I’m bitter about this or anything. Oh no. (saying one thing and revealing another - thankyou logan).
I went up to the very nervous guy after the show and told him he should carry on. I love being a comedy guru. Although I’ve yet to manage to convince any naive young female comics that their comedy chakra’s are between their legs or on their chest & I just need to manipulate the energy lines. Give it time.
On not winning
May0
So gig at the cavendish arms went well - David put me on at the end of the first half, which is actually a compliment in that he thought I was good enough to close a section.
Tim shinawawa (sp?) was brilliant as always - did an entire five minute set about kidnappers, huegenots and car signs.
Didn’t get into the top 5 which is was a bit annoyed about, but neither did Stevie G (coursemate) which made me happier. Not that I was happy Stevie G didn’t get in the top 5, just that it wasn’t just me. I’m just happy that I had entertained people and had fun.
Which was the slightly different thing about tonight, as compared to Saturday and Sunday. I actually enjoyed being on stage, maybe it’s just because every time I’ve played there I’ve always got a good reception. Some gigs, I’m happy I’ve played them, I’ve loved the laughter, applause and the beating the women off with shitty sticks after the gig (one of these things is not like the other), but Cavendish is a gig I’ve always enjoyed playing for itself. David, I salute you. And yes, I thought the stabbing gag should have got a better laugh too.
Sunday, lovely sunday
May0
What a nice day.
Gord was over visiting from San Diego, so after I got out of bed about midday (like many people with disabilities, I’m exceptionally lazy), we wandered up Notting Hill and stopped for some overpriced lunch at le pain quotidien. Gord ordered a tartine, which we foolishly assumed we be some sort of small tart. But no, it was a sandwich - albeit one with the top half missing. 9 of your earthling pounds this cost him, although having just come over from the states, he was refreshed by the completely uninterested nature of the serving staff (not disinterested, that means something different). I had a tuna salad which was much better from a cost/benefit point of view, and probably the most healthy meal I’ve had in a month or so.
Then spent another couple of hours wandering through hyde park before heading to the gig at the Queen’s Head, organised by the lovely Dale Lately. There was some sort of disturbance around central london, saw 3 meat wagons and a couple of jam sandwiches zooming down there - never really found out what it was about (I suspect Millwall had something to do with it- although that’s probably a very unfair thing to say - I’m sure they’re no longer the thugs that they used to be) (or are they?) (no)
Gig went very well - managed not to forget my stuff like last night. I was completely petrified of forgetting it, until Alex suggested I write stuff on my hand. I never used to do this, because I think it looks crap, but it really worked - I didn’t even need to look at it, just having it their gave me the confidence to get through my set. I fucked up the ‘people on this side of the room’ joke by changing to be dale, who was sitting in the corner, but I think overall it went very well. Dale was very complimentary and said I could come back anytime, and a couple of the other comics who hadn’t seen me before were very nice as well. Result. Still no groupies mind.
The wonderful jay foreman was playing - I really do love his songs - especially I’m Glad John Lennon’s Dead. The sick and twisted Alex Harvey joint won the slam with his brilliant new Catherine Tate routine, so we were treated to two minutes of disgusting, intellectual-property infringing pornographic harry potter stories. He’d better hope Time Warner never hear his set, or he’ll be being sued quicker than you can say ‘Expecto Lawsuitum ab Harry Potter Fellatio’.
Gord commented on how supportive we newbie comics are, and it’s true. Sometimes I love doing this.
Stockwell tonight at the fantastic Cavendish Arms (I realise I’m gushing a bit here, but I’m just starting out in this crazy business we call show & I don’t think I’m in a position to slag anyone off yet - wait until I’ve played the apollo and then I’ll be the horrible misanthrope you expect from comedians) - I’ve played twice before there & always done well - so I suppose in true comedic fashion, I should subvert the tradition on the 3rd iteration and die horribly.
I don’t think I will, though.
On amneisa, and errr stuff
May1
Well that was a strange gig. Did johnny armstrongs rubber chicken club night in picadilly circus (look at me, playing central london - my son the comedian).
Started well, first couple of jokes got a laugh. And then somehow I completely forgot my set. I wouldn’t mind if it was the new stuff, but it was my tried and tested material.
So I completely forgot everything, got through about 3 seconds by making silly noises, another 7 seconds (the longest 7 seconds of my life) standing on stage saying nothing - desperately trying to remember where i was going with that material - before deciding to give that up as a bad idea and launch into the new material.
Which actually went down well. QPR joke got a laugh (easy target admittedly), everything else seemed to go okay and of course pete loved me for doing a joke about eurovision. The payofff line to 3 minutes worth of material got the kind of laughs I was expecting (very few).
So all in all, I’m counting this one as a draw. Extremely irritated with myself for forgetting what I was doing, but pleasantly surprised that I managed to rescue this one, unlike say the exhibit or the laughing horse one.
I asked pete for a rating after the gig, and his concurred with mine. 6/10
First post
May0
So in a shameless rip-off of Richard Herring’s Warming Up I’ve decided to start writing a blog.
It’s really something I’ve done to force me to write more - as I realised the other day I actually really enjoy the art of creation, when I can be bothered to get off my backside and do something about it.
It’s funny really, I’ve never seen myself as creative in any way, I’m rubbish at drawing (although I do fill my meeting notes with large numbers of line perspective doodles interspersed with bizzare cartoons of people with cocks on their heads - I don’t know what this is about but I suspect rorsach would have had a field day) - but I’m finding I actually enjoy the process of coming up with ideas, as painful and tortured as it is.
Anyway, this will obviously be shit and I’ll stop updating it. So stop reading now.