eviltechie.co.uk Life and times of a sit-down comedian

Random street scenes

Well I’ve failed to keep to my promise of writing every day, what a surprise.

Trying to think what’s happened the last few days - all I have is a series of emails written to myself that consist of one or two phrases that I’m now trying to assemble into a coherent whole.

Yesterday as I wandered out of the house in order to get some breakfast, there was the sort of street theatre that Shepherds Bush is famous for.

For starters, a stranger was trimming my front hedge.  That’s not a euphemism (BUT IT WOULD HAVE etc etc.) - he was a friend of my grans who happened to have a trimmer in his van (?) - as I was standing there watching a man trim my hedge, some mediterrean looking people turned up looking for the dodgy woman from next door.

This is a woman (the woman next door) who has been known to borrow cash off my gran, always with some elaborate story about how her husband needs to get to the airport or some other such bollocks.  She tried to borrow cash from me once (at 1AM, no less) - but I told her to piss off or I’d have her arrested.

Anyway, so some people (who I suspect had been stupid enough to lend her money) turned up, looking for her and their money.  I explained that she wasn’t in, or if she was she wasn’t answering her door - they asked me if I had a key.  I replied that I didn’t, and even if I did I wouldn’t let them in (on account of how I don’t know them from a bar of soap).

Thought very little more about it, wandered down to do some shopping (Waitrose@Westfield - love it).  On the way home with the fruits (and vegetables) of my labours I spotted the pair again, this time carrying a Morrison’s bag of shopping.  They seemed to be having some sort of altercation:

“I never should have married a Muslim!” shouted the woman

“I’ll f**king punch you on the nose!” replied the man (actually to be honest I can’t remember which one shouted it - men/women, they all look the same to me - genderist I know)

“You touch me, that european (i.e. me) will stop you!” came the retort.

Now, I should point out, when I wrote (i.e. me) I was in fact breaking from the main text to point out that the woman was referring to me, she didn’t actually say i.e. me (in brackets).

Additionally, I was tempted to reply that quite frankly I didn’t really give a flying f**k whether they beat the shite out of each other on the street.  I hate being involved in altercations at the best of times, and I had no problem watching those two idiots beat each other blue.  So long as they didn’t bleed on my doorstep.  Blood is such a bugger to get out, I should know.

Oh yeah, nearly forgot, as I walked down the street I overheard another conversation:

“So how does it work then” replied a person of indeterminate gender and race

“By the grace of Jesus Christ” replied his/her friend, seemingly in all seriousness.

Maybe I could do a sort of Overheard In New York website.  Scenes from Shepherds Bush?  Hammersmith Happenings?  A**eholes on the A40?